Having the Conversation

 Talking about senior living can be a sensitive subject whether you’re considering it for yourself, or you need to bring it up to a family member. It's okay—in fact, sometimes it can be downright healthy—to admit to ourselves that these kinds of life changes can be hard on everyone.

But here’s some good news: Many seniors find that a weight is lifted off their shoulders after they decide to embrace the next chapter of their lives, and for many, this conversation can be the start of that feeling of relief.

 One of the first things worth considering before actually having the conversation about senior living with a loved one is that it’s hard to predict how they will react to this kind of sensitive subject. If you’re a senior and want to talk to your children about your decision, they may disagree that the time is right for you to move. Or if you’re suggesting to a parent that it might be time to make a move, it’s always possible that you might catch them off guard.

But no matter how the conversation goes, it’s helpful to remember that both you and your family member are on a journey. And even if parts of the journey get difficult, the most important part is that you travel it together, striving for patience and grace, and determined to make it through together.

And more good news: A little planning goes a long way, and with the right preparation, and a few tools for how to have the actual conversation, you might just make it through the discussion a little bit easier.

 If you haven’t talked about senior living with a family member before, there are a few things (like doing plenty of research, and trying to make sure all of the family is on the same page), that you can do before it happens in order to hopefully help it go smoothly. Putting some effort in up front to get all of your ducks in a row will help make sure that however they react, you’re at least a little more prepared.   

Make sure all siblings are on the same page.
If multiple siblings are involved, it’s a good idea to at least try to get everyone on the same page before having the official conversation with your parent. Because the subject is a sensitive one, you want the discussion to go smoothly, and during the conversation is not the best time to hash out details.

Remember this is a difficult subject.
Growing older is a sensitive subject for most people, so you need to prepare to be extra sensitive to your parent’s feelings. Moving to a community also means saying goodbye to their home—and leaving those memories behind can be hard. Remember that being kind, sensitive and understanding goes a long way in a hard conversation.

Prepare a list of your concerns.
Whether your parent asks you first or you want to volunteer the information at the beginning, be ready to share why you think it’s time for your mom or dad to consider senior living. Be careful not to frame this in a way that seems like you’re talking down to them. You want to be respectful and sensitive while still communicating that you’re concerned for their safety and wellbeing.

Do your homework.
Do your homework and be ready to share the advantages of living in a community. They won’t have as many household chores and responsibilities. They’ll have access to supportive and helpful staff. They won’t have to cook their own meals. And perhaps most importantly, they will have opportunities to make new friends and enjoy all kinds of activities.

Put your thoughts down on paper.
Emotions can take over when the subject of senior living comes up, and articulating the right words can be challenging. So consider writing a letter to your family member. You don’t have to give it to the person, but setting aside time to consider what words to use can help ensure you don’t say the wrong ones.

 Timing is everything.
If you’ve ever had to talk about a sensitive subject, you know that timing is everything. You don’t want to dive into a deep conversation while someone is distracted. With that in mind, make sure you plan to bring up the topic of senior living when everyone is fully present and able to focus on each other. It’s also wise to make sure everyone is in a good mood and has plenty of time to engage in the conversation.

Lead with your observations and concerns.
This applies to both parties: the senior parent and the adult children. No matter which side of the conversation you’re on, it’s important to lead with your observations and concerns from a place of love and understanding. Don’t charge through with accusations or fear, but address your family member with the reasons why you think it might be time to consider senior living.

For parents speaking to their children, this might look like sharing some of the concerns you have about living on your own in the coming years. Perhaps you are more worried about falling, maintaining the house or addressing your increasing healthcare needs.

For children talking to their parents, it’s important to emphasize how much you love them and want them to be as happy and healthy as possible. You can share some examples of situations that have led you to the conclusion that it might be time for them to transition to community life.

Make a point to listen.
One of the best things you can do during this conversation, whether you are the child or parent, is to actively listen. Once you’ve finished sharing your thoughts, give the other person space to respond or ask questions. And as they talk, avoid the temptation to interrupt. Even if they disagree or see things differently, listening shows respect, and that’s a crucial ingredient for a successful outcome.

Make a plan.
If you’re the child talking to your aging parent, you should go into the conversation knowing you will most likely end up having this discussion multiple times before arriving at a decision. But that doesn’t mean you should leave the conversation open-ended without creating some kind of action plan.

A few examples of action items include scheduling a follow-up conversation with your parent after they’ve had some time to think about moving, visiting a few local communities in the area together so your mom or dad can see what community life is like, or looping in another trusted family member or friend who can provide another perspective to the situation.

If you’re a parent talking to your child, you probably want to give your loved ones a chance to process what you’ve told them. But that doesn’t mean you should press pause on your plans to move forward.

You can be kind and understanding if your kids aren’t convinced that you should move while also letting them know that you are going to move forward with your decision. Let them know what the next steps look like and how you plan to go about making the transition. Depending on their reactions, you may even want to ask for their advice and involvement along the way.

What Happens Next?

You did your homework, had the conversation and things seemed to go well… but what happens now? Everyone’s situation is unique, but the following list is helpful no matter where you, or someone you love, are in the process.

Don't stop talking.

Big decisions require constant communication, and senior living is no different. Once you’ve broached the topic, it’s important to keep the dialogue going with your family member.

Sometimes people don’t respond well at first to the idea of moving. Often it takes multiple conversations — with friends, family, trusted advisors — for people to become used to the idea. But the key is to keep talking about it. That way your loved one can feel like their thoughts and feelings are heard and valued.

Choose a key decision maker.

This particular tip is geared toward the children who need to make decisions on their mom or dad’s behalf.

If you are one of many siblings, you need to determine who is going to be the key decision maker when it comes to matters related to your parent. This is especially important if your family is spread out in different towns, cities or states. This not only streamlines the moving process, but helps everyone avoid unnecessary stress, confusion or complications.

Focus on the benefits of moving.

There’s something to be said about the power of positivity, especially when you’re dealing with a sensitive and emotional subject like senior living. If you’re talking to your aging parents about transitioning to a community, be mindful of the language you use.

Rather than focusing on what your mom or dad may not be able to do (like maintaining a house or safely living on their own), highlight all the benefits that come with being part of a senior living community: no more household chores or cooking meals, tons of new social connections and a wide variety of fun-filled activities, events and excursions.

Visit a few communities.

No matter who starts the conversation about senior living, one of the most important steps in the process is visiting different communities in the area. You want to get a feel for what life looks like in a senior living community, and the best way to do that is with an in-person visit. Make sure to schedule tours of multiple communities so you can get a good idea of which one is the best fit.

Put a plan in place.

One of the best things you can do in this situation is see the entire process as a journey with several bite-sized action steps along the way. Once you’ve reached the point where your family member is on board with the idea of transitioning to senior living, you need to make sure you keep the momentum going. That means thinking about things like where to move, when to move and what to do with the house.

Because the process can be an emotional one, it’s okay to be open and flexible with how soon each action item needs to happen. But do your best to make sure everyone knows what needs to happen next and when it needs to happen.

If you’re in a season of life where the topic of senior living comes up a lot, you probably know just how emotional this subject can be. Aging parents often feel a sense of denial or fear of being a burden to their children, and their children can feel a sense of guilt or loss when they suggest it may be time for mom and dad to consider long-term care options.

The good news is that these feelings are completely normal, and you don’t have to handle them on your own. We have all kinds of resources that can help you navigate the journey, covering everything from what questions to ask when you tour a community to how to make your new senior living home feel just like home sweet home.

Making the Most of Your Community Tour

One of the most important steps you can do before making the decision to move is to attend an in-person tour at a few communities. But how do you know which ones to visit, and what should you do once you get there? These are excellent questions, and we have a few helpful answers on how you can increase your chances of finding the community that is right for you.

Making the Most of Your Community Tour

1. You get a feel for the environment.
We all want to live in a place that feels like home, even if that means something different to each of us. That’s why most people would never purchase a house without going to look at it first. When you visit a community in person, you can walk through the hallways, see the rooms and get a feel for the environment. Is this somewhere you can see yourself living? 

2. You can meet the people who work there.
Because you’ll see them every single day, the people who work in a senior living community are an important part of the decision-making process. Meeting them face-to-face gives you the chance to see what it might be like to interact with these new friendly faces day in and day out.

3. You can taste the food.
Food plays an important role in our daily life, and that doesn’t change just because you move into a senior living community. When you go on a community tour, you can look at the menu options, sneak a peek at the dining room and maybe even have a meal. That’s way better than settling for pictures in the brochure. 

4. You can meet other residents.
Everyone has a different reason for choosing to move into a community. Some seniors make the transition to widen their social circle. Visiting a community in person will allow you to meet the people who might be your future neighbors. Do they seem like people you would get along with? Do you have things in common? Are they friendly? You’re more likely to be able to answer those questions if you go in person.

5. You can ask more questions.
Even if you’ve done your research and made a list of questions to ask when you tour a senior living community, you may find yourself with new questions as you walk through the halls and common rooms. Touring in person lets you ask questions naturally as they arise, hopefully giving you a more comfortable feeling that you would get online or over the phone.